Belmont Strawberry Blonde tastes of fruity excrement. Novelty Beers: wah wah wahhhh

Just because it's Good Friday, doesn't mean we have a good beer planned. I bought this beer weeks ago just to piss off David and now it's zero hour. When we first started this year, one of the first beers I brought home was a Banana Bread Beer. I bought it because from time to time I want to taste beers that are different, that I would normally never try and are out of our comfort zone.

People always ask David, what's your favorite beer? That's always a hard question to answer, there are so many...Okay they say, what's the worst beer you've ever had? Easy answer. BANANA BREAD BEER. And David wasn't wrong, it was truly horrendous. Here's my write up: Wells Banana Bread

David hates fruity beers. David hates novelty beers as much as he hates fruity lambics and saisons. Come to think of it, David hates a lot of things but most of all horses. I don't know how he does it, but David has found glue made from horses. I think it came from Colonial Williamsburg. He doesn't even own a dog but he buys the dog food with horse meat in it, just to keep up their bottom line. It's the least he could do.

See what horses can do to a line of thought? They're such a tangent. Another point illustrating horses are evil. Anywho, the irony of me buying a beer to piss off David, is that I have to drink it as well. Before recommending me for idiot of the year award, do know that I don't mind the fruity beers as much as David, but in my nearsighted decision to purchase the fruit brew, I had forgotten how truly awful novelty beers are. They taste like...Horse Glue.

I can smell the intense Starburst-like flavor from far away. It's nearly overpowering. However, this smells much better than it tastes, because it tastes like @$$- like an off batch of natty light. Similar to the Banana Bread Beer, the fruit is all in the aroma and not in the flavor profile.

The funny thing about novelty/fruit beers that the general buying public don't realize, is that the beers aren't actually "brewed" with fruits (typically, although exceptions like Dogfish Head Aprihop might use apricots in the boil). When you see a 'blueberry' beer, you're actually getting a beer that was made with ingredients similar to any other type of ale, but right before the beer was bottled they added blueberry syrup. Thus, there is little fruit flavor to the beer as the beer has already stopped fermenting. It simply smells like blueberries. Once you see behind the curtain, fruit beers become less of an ale and more of a novelty.

This style of beer always smell decent but taste horrible. Even though the Strawberry Banana was better than the Banana Bread, it still receives a PEARL HARBOR rating.

As we finish off this brew, I'm already looking forward along to my trip down to San Pedro with Sara P, Mark Snyder and Joanna for the long anticipated Railroad Revival Tour - Old Crow Medicine Show, Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros, and the truly transcendent Mumford and Sons. The three bands are touring via railroad for a handful of dates from Oakland to Austin and plan to collaborate on material along the way. CAN'T WAIT!

Kuryjebckoe Russian Lager defies explanation as to why it was imported

David picked this monster 1qt 1pint 3 fl oz plastic jug of Russian Lager for $6. This reminds me of the 1.5 liter 6 Euro bottle of Grappa my roommates bought our first weekend in Florence. It tasted like pure gasoline. Never, ever, NEVER have cheap Italian Wine Stem Liquor. One my roommates puked. Everyone spluttered, coughed drive heaved and needed a chaser. I don't even use a chaser with absinthe, but I required a quart of Turpentine to get those shots down. True story.

Will this be the same? I'm with Sara P and David at a hot tub/bbq a street down in the marina and we're gonna booze it up.

Size comparison to a Sierra Nevada

So I saw a travel channel show today on steaks and they showed an interesting video of the Kobe cows, whose meat is deliciously world famous because they are massaged and fed beer in order to be de-stressed. An unstressed cow apparently makes great beef. So the image that popped up when I drank this beer was the image of the cows being fed beer. They didn't have great table manners and excess beer and slobber was everywhere. This Russian Lager tastes like mix of Japanese beer and cattle slobber. Yum. Natty Light is Veuve Clicquot compared to this. This was one of those beers I had a terrible time finishing. But it's all in a days work on this blog. PEARL HARBOR rating.

Size comparison from one Russian to another

Bruery Provisions Cornballer isn't as...a-maize-ing...as I hoped

The day has finally come that Nick G can make it to The Bruery. This man is one of the biggest fans of this heavenly beer and now, he pilgrimages to his Mecca. What's the occasion? He and AJ share a birthday and to celebrate, we're doing a brewery tour. We're joining several of Nick's coworkers as well as Karl who is coming up from Temucla after wine tasting, if he's still vertical. On the way up, we listen to a birthday mix I made for Nick and AJ and in case you were wondering, Oingo Boingo was definitely on it. The video is one of Danny Elfman's finest moments -

The timing of this trip is excellent, because according to The Bruery newsletter, they're releasing their fifth and latest Provisions Series batch today (Provisions is a limited one time only release) AND Bootleggers Brewery is releasing their greatest creation ever, the very limited release Knuckle Sandwich DIPA. Victory is ours!

Best Friends and Beard Brothers - at least that's what it says on our eharmony profile

Going brewery tasting is fun for the obvious reasons, but this trip doubles the fun for me because all the people except for Nick know nothing about The Breury or Bootleggers, so I'm allowed to ramble on and wave my hands uncontrollably while explaining everything I know about their beer. Imagine if you gave a 10 year old kid Redbull and a plate of cookies and that's how excited I am. Finally, someone clubs me over the head like a baby seal and my I shift my focus to the beer of the day, the Cornballer.

Bruery has some pretty great names for their specialty brews (Gunga Galunga, a Caddy Shack reference, being the best) and this one brings back fond memories of infomercials from Arrested Development (unfortunately the above is the best I can find)

And let me tell you how much I enjoyed it...eeeeeeee not so much -

Eat sink, cornballer (I didn't flush it, but God I wanted to)

I love The Bruery. I have been there four times. I own two growlers. I have several of their beers saved under my bed. I even own a shirt and will probably buy a hat next trip. Yay merchandising. I'll probably name my second born son Mischief after their finest brew, but this beer makes me cringe.

The Cornballer is their attempt at a malt liquor and it's 50% of it is made out of corn and the other 50% made out of 6 Row Malt (2 Row Malt is typically used to make beer). It smells like citrus hops mixed with a mildew sock. It tastes similar, with a dash of sourness. There's just something rotten about it. Everyone except for Karl agrees with me. Karl likes this, but he's also high on mescaline and wine.  I love so much about brewery, but not this. This was hard as a horse to put down. I never thought I would bestow the worst rating to a Bruery beer, but stranger things have happened. PEARL HARBOR rating Thanks goodness they still have the Cuadruple on tap, because I'm gonna need a 'forget me now' after this one.

On another note, happy birthday Nick and AJ! I've known them both for over 9 years and they're my two favorite people and I wish them the best birthday and in the year to come!

 

I bought a Loakal Red and a Cuadruple to add to my cellar/bed collection. Nick G went certifiably awesome and bought a CASE of Bruery beer, a baker's dozen to be exact. On a side note, he will soon be the proud owner of a shotgun. Who has two thumbs and can't wait to combine both? THIS GUY

Blue Moon Harvest Moon gives Pumpkin Ale a Bad Name

Remember that pumpkin that turned into a carriage in Cinderella? Well afterwords it turned back into a pumpkin. After sitting on the road for a week, a brewer used that post-ripe pumpkin for some brew. TA-DA! Harvest Moon. 

Nice label, disgusting beer

Here's another example to sum up the taste for you. The flavor profile is this: Carve a pumpkin. Scrape out out its gooey insides and seeds. Separate gooey insides and seeds. Then instead of eating the seeds eat the nasty, slimy, gross gooey insides and throw the seeds away. Blahhhh. Barf. PEARL HARBOR rating.

LA Beer Week: Russian River Consecration Doesn't Inspire Conservation

Blahhhhhh. SOUR.  

Consecration is what's known as an American Wild Ale, which are a family of beers that are introduced to "wild" yeast or bacteria, This introduction may occur from oak barrels that have been previously inoculated, pitched into the beer, or gained from various "sour mash" techniques. This isn't a normal beer family, it's more like The Addams Family.

As part of LA Beer Week, this fellow debuted on tap tonight at the Library Alehouse. I'd never heard of it but it received glowing reviews so I dragged David here with high hopes, only to re-confirm how much I dislike sour beers. It's actually well rounded but malty and so sour. Not enjoyable. PEARL HARBOR rating.

*However, Sara P loves this beer and will drink it up like a milkshake, so to each their own. If the wasn't here I'd be really skeptical of the beer advocate A rating.

Blonde Mission(ary) UnAccomplished

Did I mention I like Blondes? Especially Belgian. No blonde jokes will be found on this website. However, see this fellow here:

Blondes have more fun, but not here

As reported yesterday, David and I think something's disastrously wrong in with the bottle/beer. Something has gone wrong, probably on the way to the store. Maybe it go too hot. Maybe too cold. Because it's not just right. Another really sour beer taste. Nothing is mentioned in the beer reviews of this, so we can only assume this is a 'corked' beer, for lack of a better term. This has become a sad week at the PlattiBrooks House of Sweet Love and International Pancakes.

UPDATE 10/5 - Wish I had two more thumbs so I could give this blonde 4 thumbs down. PEARL HARBOR rating.

Mission Brewery Hefe Hefe

Not to be confused with the Mission St based Paso Robles which we've been drinking recently, this is a fairly well known San Diego brewery. We tasted and wow! An explosion of orange peels. Not just orange, but the rind too...And then the sourness. Really, really sour. Hmmm, something isn't right here.

Sploosh

So I'm really excited because David bought three Mission beers this week and three Lips of Faith, so we're planning on tasting a flight (so to speak) of beers from two particular breweries. Great choice David. While the reviews online aren't particularly good, they're not overwhelmingly bad like this beer. We're going to taste another Mission tomorrow and let you know. Holding out on judgment until all the facts are in, NO RATING.

UPDATE - 10/5 I'm behind on my writing but catching up fast. We concluded that there was nothing wrong with the bottle, this beer turns out to be the opposite of dank - poopish. It just wasn't good. Despite a label I liked, PEARL HARBOR rating.

Tenaya Creek Hefeweizen

Many whiskeys into a horrible Texas vs. UCLA game (Texas was embarrassed, thank goodness I was too late throw down my unborn child's college fund against a team UT should have steamrolled), I saddled up to the bar and spotted an unfamiliar face. She cost too much, so I looked again and someone else. Tanaya Creek is a local brewery and is the official beer of The Bellagio (as well as Treasure Island and Mandalay Bay).I tried the Hefeweizen.

Vegas was good to me, but not to my sports teams or z beer

Typical Vegas, Tenaya Creek didn't get a fair shake here. When I asked the bartender about the Hefe, he shrugged and said, "It's something different, ya know?" Ouch. What did 5 fingers say to the face? SLAP. See, when someone describes a food or especially a drink as "different," it's the equivalent of saying someone of the opposite sex has great "personality." It's the politest but also the most unflattering description possible.

So the Tenaya Creek Hefeweizen thankfully took my attention away momentarily from a disastrous football game but it was a bittersweet moment. The Hefeweizen didn't taste at all like a hefe. Maybe it was a bad keg, but it tasted more like a big pale lager. Sunday I watched the fascinating documentary CATFISH and I can't tell you any more about it but this beer is a Catfish. Well, that's Vegas isn't it? Nothing goes as expected, nothing is quite as it seems.

I had a great weekend with my parents and my brother and his girlfriend. Friday I ran into an old Houston friend who was there with a bachelor party and spent the evening with free bottle service at the Bellagio club, whatever that's called. Saturday night I saw LOVE (really really cool), ate at Julian Serrano's Picasso restaurant (amazing, duh) and then went out alone around midnight and made friends with some Brits. Gotta love'm. Paid for my first and hopefully last $10 Heineken. A couple hours later, I was still up to see this:

Vegas sunrise gives me 'a cat ate the canary' grin

Vegas, it's been too long and I won't let so much time pass before I give you all my money in exchange for a sleepless night and hazy stories. Rating my weekend, it was THE ROCK, edging close to BAD BOYS. As far as the Hefe, sorry micro brew Tenaya, you got a bad shake. PEARL HARBOR rating. 

Wells Banana Bread Beer

Against David's hesitation, I convinced him in the spirit of Sunday Funday to taste the Wells Banana Bread beer. Yes, you read that correctly. This definitely falls into the category of "that's an odd idea for a beer." As for what compelled this creation, I'm assuming the English brew master was very inebriated in his grandmother's kitchen one night, smelled the above mentioned scrumpet and between heavenly mouthfuls EUREKA! A beer flavor was born. Anyone else have an origin story?

In all it's glory

So why buy this beer? Because my year long experiment/adventure is the perfect time to try beers I would normally never drink. I have no desire to only drink the top rated Belgian beers (or whatever). The whole point is to explore the beer spectrum. So here we are. Banana Bread. In a glass. Random note, this reminds me a little of the end in ENVY when Ben Stiller and Jack Black create Flan in a tube, aka, 'Pocket Flan.' Yum.

The subject is an English Ale that is brewed with bananas, as well as having banana flavor added. Hm. After pouring, we caught wind of a distinct banana bread aroma. Smelled surprisingly good. I became a jest a bit excited, as I was secretly hoping to find a sleeper and prove David's doubts wrong. We took our first sip and....eeeeeeeeeeeck, not so good. An overwhelming malt taste with no goodness behind it. I drank this quickly and was quite thankful that my old friend Wild Turkey was present. We watched Mad Men together and it was glorious. Wells brewery, sorry but not sorry, you have earned a PEARL HARBOR rating.

Ommegang Three Philosophers May Be Wise But You Taste Barf

David and I bought a three pack of Belgian style beers Saturday at the Toys R' Us of alcohol, Beverage Warehouse in Marina del Rey. Beers came with a free glass (always a sucker for novelty glassware).

David warned me that Three Philosophers was not his favorite of beers. I always liked the label and for whatever reason, doubted him. He warned me...

A Picture Says A Thousand Words

Online, everyone loves this beer. A, A-, B+. It's like a nerd's report card (nerds always get B+ in gym class, duh). We brought it over to a nearby party with all sorts of fun people and were 'generous' enough to let the group taste. 1 out of 6 girls liked the beer. Wow. I bequeathed the rest to the sole fan, Taylor. Biggest issue? It has a pervasive Cherry flavor. Three Philosophers is a "blend of Belgian dark strong ale and Lindeman's Kriek (a classic cherry lambic directly from Belgium."  I just really didn't enjoy this and I wrote some inappropriate notes which I won't share but I will say this - your nice label and free smallish beer glass fooled me like a true sucker. You are my first but not last PEARL HARBOR rating