Sam Adams Coastal Wheat and the Company Christmas Party

Home from the company Christmas party, which was a grand time. I also took advantage of the free Hoegaarden and Stella, which came in handy when the CEO called on all the new employees to tell a joke.

There's a lot of build up in this story but with good reason; telling jokes was never my forte. I can never remember them and when I do, I usually get really excited and botch the punchline (this is well known within my circle of friends and I am teased mercilessly). Now, screwing up a line doesn't matter when you're around friends, but coworkers were different and this evening wasn't going to make it easier on me, as 50+ coworkers and their significant others were crammed shoulder to shoulder into my boss's kitchen for the company toast / new employee hazing.

I wasn't worried about being funny. I knew the line was funny. I was worried about offending someone. The other jokes I know are all pedophile jokes and speaking to a room with people who have kids, this was the least offensive joke I knew because it didn't involve children. I have very classy friends. Anywho, so one new guy was before me and he piped up with something like 'Why is Christmas Santa's favorite time of the year? // He gets to know who's naughty!" Har har har. Jebus, Mary and Jehovah, that was comparitively tame. I was second in line and I lead in with, "It might be a little inappropriate." To my disbelief, the CEO immediately switched tracks on me. He responded with "Okay then, we'll come back to you."

Mother trucker! You know when a football game goes down to the wire and the kicker is called on to boot a game winning field goal, so he lines lines up and suddenly the opposing coach calls a timeout? It's called "Icing the Kicker." That's what happened. I was all teed up and now I had to wait; plus everyone now had strange expectations when the spotlight returned. Apparently the CEO doesn't need Smirnoff to "Ice" me.

I do realize that this joke scenario wouldn't be a big deal to some people. They might even revel in it. But I would rather give a speech on the importance of stimulating the labia during foreplay to my mother than tell sex jokes in front of these particular coworkers, for whatever reason. And now I have to wait. 

My turn came a few minutes later. I looked into the eyes of the COO I barely know and his wife, the bearer of his children, and all the others I never really talk to during the day and who's first major impression of me would be conceived from the next two sentences and delivered the joke with the polished poise of a five beer man;

"Why does Barbie never get pregnant?"

... ... ... ...

"Because Ken always comes in another box"

Nice. There was a lot of laughter as well as a few 'ewwws' so I couldn't initially tell if it landed well or not, but apparently the joke struck gold.  Later it was relayed to me that the CEO had remarked, "That was a fucking funny joke," which coming from a man who is tough-as-nails and raised on the streets of Chicago and certainly intimidates tougher men than I, is big. Victory is mine. The end.

*Thanks to Patti (PTwist) for that gem of joke, thus saving me from upending my career with a terrible pedo joke*

"Bye Buddy, I hope you find your dad!" / "Thanks Mr. Narwhal!"

Bdubs, Elf and Home Alone are the two greatest Christmas movies and if anyone challenges me, I hope they don't like having a face because I will go Gorilla on you.. Anywho, I'm probably already a sixer into the night but who's really counting?

Sam Adams Coastal Wheat was left in our fridge by David L and as far as I'm concerned, this wheat is perfectly tasty. Light and refreshing and not bitter. Party on Wayne, I sure plan to. TRANSFORMERS rating.